My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize