i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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