you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
