my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
