you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
