Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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