dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
