I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize