Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
