I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
