and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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