He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
