so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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