Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
