When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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