I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
