I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I love how my cats smell like pot.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
