I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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