I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
