He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
