My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
