there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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