birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
