There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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