i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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