Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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