"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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