As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize