Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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