Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
