My liver just broke up with me...
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
i wish my penis had a tongue
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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