I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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