Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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