Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
