im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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