Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize