I wish they made helmets for livers.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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