I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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