youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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