i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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