What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
