Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
