pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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