I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
