My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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