I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have already put on my inside pants.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
