Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
