I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
