You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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