i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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