just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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