When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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