We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
