masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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