Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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