I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
