I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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