Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize